Slow Climb out of the Cancer Hole

I had surgery for malignant melanoma on April 18th 2012. I don't normally remember dates but as this was the first general anaesthetic and the first time I had ever had significant surgery I remember the day and the events leading up to it very clearly.

I spent the next 8 weeks off work willing my leg wound to close up and heal which it has now done and all the bizzare nerve jolts and tingling sensations have ended. This is a relief as a jolting leg can be quite embarrassing and disruptive when you're trying to work or talking to a client!

My leg finally healed leaving an impressive war wound for which I have invented many stories in case I don't want to go into the "you survived cancer, i'm so proud of you have a medal" conversation.

After the op everyone kept telling me how well I looked, to which I replied that I had only had a lump of dodgy flesh removed from my leg and groin, it was not an illness but disease prevention for the future and that I was getting back into things slowly.

But oh my goodness I didn't realise how slow it would be! When I returned to work I suffered severe headaches after 2 months of daytime TV mushing my brain and becoming unaccustomed to working at the high level of decision making I had previously breezed through on a daily basis. These passed and the stimulation of work interest soon pulled me mentally up to speed again.

Physically I had been fatigued getting up early for a long commute but this also passed. Because of the problems with my leg wound constantly being re-infected with cellulitis and bursting open I wasn't able to return to exercise quite as soon as I hoped. As yet I have not been able to commence the long build up in activity I need to achieve a triathlon next summer. This has been a mental struggle, as I have not been injured for years since giving up contact sports and generally haven't been held back from doing what I want physically for a long time apart from the odd scrape mountain biking or sprain snowboarding.

The mental climb out of the hole was the real battle. It wasn't until I received my clear biopsy results that I realised quite how much of my future life plans and decisions I had subconsciously put on hold. My initial reaction was to leap up and tell my wife the good news that the biopsy results were clear; I felt relieved then a minute after that my mind was flooded with things I wanted to do, needed to do and should and could be doing now that "normal life could resume". I felt mentally fragile and emotionally vulnerable, but have enjoyed putting these plans into action.


However after going back to work we had a family holiday in Switzerland with my folks and I had a great time training in the mountains getting my aerobic fitness back up and feeling all the extra blood pumping around my veins, until my low back pain and sciatica returned. I hadn't been doing core exercises and had some low back pain kitesurfing in South Africa in February which had passed.


In 2001 I had been rowing for my university crew and felt a sudden pain in the low back with resultant  severe sciatica, numb foot and low back pain interfering with revision for my medical finals; ironically this resolved 3 months later in a car accident when I ran into the back of a van and got out of the car pain free! I wouldn't recommend this type of expensive chiropractic adjustment but was relieved that I could exercise hard again.

So since Switzerland my back has steadily got worse again, with mental frustration of struggling with sub-optimal fitness and injury time probably making the muscle spasms worse. Last week I was suposed to be on another family holiday in Scotland mountain biking with my wife for the first time since she gave birth and I had my op; our baby girl was looked after by family up there so it was all set up; imagine our disappointment when on the first day I could only ride for 30 minutes before my back got too bad and I carelessly punctured my tire and had to walk home. The rest of the week I was crawling around in the morning trying to find painkillers so I could stand up hours later. I couldn't lift my daughter and give her cuddles no matter how much she tugged at my leg and the 3 hour drive home was a Tramadol fuelled nightmare feeling every bump in the road.

What have I learned from all this? Well the final area of wellbeing is spiritual and funnily enough my spiritual walk has improved greatly through all the above trials, through diagnosis and surgery and even in slow recovery with more time to contemplate our existence.  I have felt closer to God, more in touch with what really matters in life and feel more discernment of what I should be doing with my time. I have felt the prayers of many supporting me when things are hard and truly feel "lifted" when I cry out to God for help.

The physical, mental and emotional may be still in recovery but spiritually I feel stronger than ever.
There are parallels in Scripture: in the Psalms, David calls out to God when he is hiding for weeks from King Sauls murderous mercenaries in a cave; an ordeal from which he was delivered and I leave you with his encouraging words of worship :

Psalm 40
1I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
4Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.a
5Many, O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.



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